Internal (occasionally External) Assignment Monologue

As inspired by my darling Rax over at her blog. This is how an assignment with me usually goes.

During the first lecture of the module in question, when the lecturer gets the class all pumped up about the Dreaded Future Assignment which is due in 2-3 months...

Awesome! I will get on that straight away! Right after this I'll go to the library and get all the literature sorted, maybe set up a plan, hey the library does operate on a 24/7 basis, maybe I'll actually finish this WAAAAAAAY in advance, teehee! Woooooo Team Me!!!!

Five hours later...at the pub.

*BURP* That'salottabeer.

Cue plenty of time passing when finally...

Two days before the deadline

Tralalala, I should work on that assignment! I bet I can get it done today! After I watch a couple of episodes of Bones.

Half a season of Bones later...

Eh, there's always tomorrow, innit? *clinks wine glass*

The next day...9AM

Right, time to download some more Bones and then get down to business. I have a cleverpants plan that involves writing 500 words, then watching an episode, then writing 500 words...

1PM

LUNCH!!!!

3PM

3PM is still considered lunchtime BACK WHERE I LIVE. Stupid UK. Should stop watching Bones while I eat. Gross.

4PM

Right, I should get this shit done.

4.15PM

YAY, 100 words!

5PM

YAY, 105 words!

5.15PM

Break time!

7PM

OK, seriously, time to concentrate. After dinner.

8PM

Another 100 words! Woo! Only 2800 to go! I can do this! Internal word count, go!

8.30PM

WHY DO YOU HATE ME WORD? WHY? WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU? Now would be a really good time to rewatch Legally Blonde. Haven't seen that in years! No no no must concentrate. Come on. We're 500 words in.

9PM

I can SO pull an all-nighter. I'm like halfway through. Or halfway through halfway through. Whatever. Still a milestone. I'm closer to a 1000 than I was before! Oh, wow, my connection here is super fast. Is Legally Blonde downloaded already? That's magical. Have to check if it's a real file. It is?! Oh, wow, I've forgotten how cute this movie is..........................

10.30PM

ILU REESE WITHERSPOON!!!!! So so so sleepy. Oh no. Time for coffee.

10.45PM

THIS COFFEE HAS BURNED MY TONGUE. AND I AM STILL SLEEPY. AND ON 890 WORDS.

10.46PM

...891 WORDS. WORD. (HAR, HAR).

11PM

There is a reason why the 'no coffee after 4PM' rule exists because I need to get out of this tiny room and wow I feel like going out and dancing and OOOOH I bet I could finish THREE volumes on Trotsky before the night is through WEEEEEEEEEEE dancing around to Glee now IS THAT A UNICORN I SEE OUTSIDE HOMG HOMG HOMG WHY DON'T YOU EVER WORK YOU STUPID BITCH ASS PRINTER I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

11.30PM

1000 WORDS!!!! YAY ME!!!

12AM

1000 WORDS!!!! YAY MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

1AM

1500 WORDS!!! I AM HALFWAY THROUGH BITCHEZZZZZZZZZZZ. I WILL FINISH THIS FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY 'VLADIMIR LENIN AND HIS POINTY BEARD'.

2AM

2000 words. That's pretty damn good. Another 500 and I'll hit the sack. Lecturers don't really count words, do they? They won't miss 200 here or there...maybe 500...wow I am crap at all-nighters...WHY CAN'T I EVER PULL AN ALL-NIGHTER? I EVEN BROKE THE COFFEE AFTER 4PM RULE! I HATE YOU, BODY!!!

3AM

just...need...bed....will...be up...at....7....will...find...500 words....

8AM

I AM UP. AND TYPING.

8.01AM

WHAT?! A NEW EPISODE OF GLEEEEEEEEEEEE?!?!?!

9AM

I HAVE WATCHED GLEE. Now, to meet that 11AM deadline...

9.15AM

I don't have 500 words left! 2750 is a number they can't argue with. Right? RIGHT? SORTED. Just 250 to go.

10AM

I think I've added an adjective to every noun in this assignment but it means there's only a 100 left to go. Easy peasy Japaneasy.

10.15AM

Can't fight this feeling anymoreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....wait wait hang on 2800 WORDS!!! THAT BEATS MY INTERNAL WORD COUNT. I WIN AT LIFE. ISH. Now, time to change into the closest clothes I find and rush to the library to print this shizzit out.

10.20AM

I look like a homeless Amish person but WHATEVS, no one's going to see me.

10.30AM

Must. Find. Free. Computer. Stop staring at my shirt, biznotch. Oh my GOD all four floors are full!!! BUT THEY'RE ALL ON FACEBOOK!!!! I hate students SO MUCH. YES including me. ARGH. GO AND READ A BOOK, YOU STUPID UNDERGRAD.

10.50AM

THE PRINTING QUEST IS OVER EVEN IF I DID HAVE TO SACRIFICE AN UNSUSPECTING UNDERGRAD. Postgrad office, here I come!!!

11.05AM

Yayayayayay handing it in handing it in! Oh bugger, forgot I have to write down the time of submission. Stupid 11AM rule. It's only 5 past. They won't notice if I go back 5 minutes. Discreetly. Even 15 minutes.

11.10AM

A full hour might have been pushing it. A little. I shall debate this...at the pub. Another assignment due in a couple of days but HEY! Plenty of time left!